My mom

Grief is a giant black hole that is always lurking right behind you, waiting to pull you down the whirlwind path of what feels like never-ending pain. You hear about people losing their parents all the time. It’s a part of life. You feel sorry for them and feel sad for their loss but there’s just no way to explain the deep heartbreak that comes with losing someone you love so much. It’s been 4 months since my mom left this earth. I still cry every day. It’s usually when I’m not distracted by anything (which lately isn’t very often) but the tears still sneak out every single day.

I like to think every butterfly I see is her. I like to talk to her as much as I can – which evidently always ends in tears. I spoke with my mom literally talked to 3 times a day for the past 5 years & now she’s just not there. How can people experience grief every single day, all around us & act so normal?? I want to tell the checkout lady at Walgreens, the people I pass on the street & just about everyone I meet that my mom just died & I’m not ok!!

I still don’t understand what happened & why my mom is gone. Literally here one day & gone the next. With time the crying is less frequent.  But, as time passes, I miss my mom more & more. I miss her voice, her hugs, her laugh, her advice, her cooking, and her just HER! I could call her anytime of any day about anything & now I don’t have that. I’m left standing here, not necessarily alone but I feel alone. Grief is a very lonely & secluding place.

I feel like my babies will not have as good as a life they could have had because she is missing from it. I will make sure her memory is alive and will always talk about her & watch videos of her. I will make sure they know how much she loved them & how much they did for them. I owe her that. It’s very easy to get depressed and just sink into the grief. Grief makes you tired, lazy & irritable. (With 2 kids it’s basically impossible to be lazy but irritable is quiet easy!) I know that grief should make me appreciate life & my kids more, which it definitely does, but most days are hard work just keeping a smile on my face while I take care of my babies & nephews.